First, an Introduction

As a whole lot of you may have forgotten—and this is a fact which begs forgetting—dear President Jonathan of Nigeria has an active Facebook page. Indeed, this singular fact of his candidacy was enough to catapult him into the Presidency. Of course, that election was an outcome that showcased the eagerness of Nigerian youths to entrust leadership positions to anyone capable of skillfully manipulating a social media account—a trend which continues till this day on Twitter. But I digress.

Now, as you are all aware, President GEJ, over the weekend, performed the incredible feat of psychologically promoting the Nigerian economy. This is splendid for all of us concerned—that is, none of us at all. However, as his custom is, after such momentous events, our dear President released a goodwill message on Facebook. The message, as you can see below, is as brief as an eviction notice—and just as equally cheerful.

So, to spice up the message a little—and give some unsolicited insight into the inner workings of a presidential mind—I have taken the liberty to—erm—rebase the goodwill message with a few thoughts the good Doctor would be proud to associate with.

Or so I think.

Now, the Rebased Goodwill Message

by Goodluck Jonathan (almost, sort of.)

“Yesterday, our Gross Domestic Product was rebased to give an accurate picture of where we are as a nation.”

(We all know where we are as a nation. And I’m not just talking about longitudes and latitudes. I know a number of you wait for my presidential directive before you form an opinion on an issue, but are you seriously waiting for statistical figures to get an accurate picture of Nigeria? You NEED that to figure out where we are? Seriously? Well, listen to the good news.)

“I am glad to report to you that Nigeria is officially the largest economy in Africa with a Gross Domestic Product of $510 billion which also places us as the 26^th largest economy in the world.”

(You heard: Nigeria is a freaking rich country. We are not broke. We’ve never been broke. We’ll never be broke. And talk of a gross domestic product—crude oil is overrated. See, it’s time for you all to stop the cries over “our” oil money. Grow up, people. Now you have banking money, telecoms money, Nollywood money and yes, internet money. Some of you are making money faster than the government these days. What more do you want? My hat?)

“This feat is a collective achievement of all Nigerians particularly when you take into account the fact that our Per Capita Income had increased by over 60% from $1091 in 2009 to $1700 in 2013, prior to the rebasing.”

(To be honest, this feat is really Madam Ngozi and Mr Kale’s collective achievement. But so you won’t feel left out of this: here—you did it! And did you notice what I did there? 2009 till date? Yes, that’s me.  My administration has been solely responsible for increasing your per capita income by 60%, and here you thought I was clueless. Clue me into another President that had the brains to case a rebase—oh, the one’s a farmer and the other’s a goner. Did I just rhyme? I’m dropping mad beats here. Here’s DeeJay GEJ on the Mic. Is anyone taping this? Let’s celebrate, people!)  

“While this calls for celebration, I personally cannot celebrate until all Nigerians can feel the positive impact of our growth. There are still too many of our citizens living in poverty.”

(Honestly though, I’m dancing a jig all over the place. This is practically the greatest achievement of my administration. I’m really trying not to break a leg here. Let’s see: first, we jail the gays, then we had a wow (I mean, WOW!) centenary celebration, and then we inaugurated a national conference, and now we have a top-notch economy. This. Is. A. Good. Year.  You can say that again, people. At this pace, you folks will beg me—tearfully—to have a third term. And a fourth one. But, don’t let’s get carried away: I know some of you have no jobs. I have directed the Minister of Interior to fix you up in the civil service.)

“Three years ago, I was asked to define Transformation and I said ‘Transformation in my view simply means taking what you have and making the best of it and in so doing produce results that can bring about a paradigm shift’.”

(Hahaha. This one is just for the record. I’m good at this definition thing—with a Ph.D to prove it.)

“That positive paradigm shift, as occurred yesterday, is still a work in progress.”

(Sure, I didn’t include “positive” in my original definition. But, hey! Who’s marking scripts? I’m the lecturer here. Don’t mind those who insist that this rebase business will make no difference. See, whether neutral or positive, transformation, as our people say, na transformation. As for paradigm shift, that is an “advanced transformation”, which is what will happen if you vote for me in 2015.)

“Regardless of our present challenges, our place as a nation at the table of greatness is assured.”

(Table of Greatness? What does that even mean? Did Reuben even bother to review this stuff?)

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Ayo Sogunro is the author of The Wonderful Life of Senator Boniface and other Sorry Tales. A lawyer by profession, he also indulges in socio-legal philosophy on this blog. You can follow @ayosogunro on twitter now, and vote for him as President later.

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