Miscellaneous / Satiric

THE 48 LAWS OF THE TWITTER OVERLORD (or, #48LawsofTwitter)

  1. Never Outshine Your Overlord. Make social media superiors appear more brilliant than they actually are.
  2. Never Put Too Much Trust in Followers. They will betray you quickly if necessary.
  3. Conceal your Errors. Learn to delete that which ought to be deleted.
  4. Always Tweet Less Than Necessary. Sometimes, 140 characters may be too much.
  5. So Much Depends On Your Bio. Don’t take it for granted.”Pimp it up” regularly.
  6. Court Followers at All Cost. Be outrageous, be seen. Better to be insulted than to be ignored.
  7. Let Others Tweet The Good Stuff, Then Copy and Paste. Originality is overrated on social media.
  8. Make Followers Come to You. Do not beg for followers: at least, not publicly.
  9. Win The Arguments on Your Timeline By Blocking Them First. Reasoning won’t work for most people.
  10. Avoid Engaging the Zero Followers and the Eggs. Or you’ll be missing the point of this Ponzi Scheme.
  11. Keep Your Followers Dependent on You. Give them the breaking news first!
  12. Selectively Follow Back. And Selectively Unfollow.
  13. When You Want a Retweet, Appeal To the Overlord’s Self-Interest. Not to their common sense, there’s often little or none.
  14. Tweet Like a Friend, Retweet like an Enemy. Retweets are endorsements, one way or the other.
  15. Unfollow Those Who Don’t Follow Back. Except your Overlords. Always follow your Overlords.
  16. Don’t Be Available Always. Pretend to be offline, but monitor the timeline closely.
  17. Cultivate An Air of Unpredictability. You don’t have to retweet every flattering mention.
  18. Isolation is Dangerous. Influence is not a padlock. Don’t be tempted to “protect” your tweets.
  19. Know Who You’re Dealing With. Try not to offend a potential Overlord.
  20. Don’t Commit to Any Tweep. Maintain the middle ground during an argument between others.
  21. Play A Sucker to Catch a Sucker. Use direct messages to entice and seduce. “DM” is for dominate.
  22. Use The Questioning Tactic. Use humble questions to engage your social media superiors.
  23. Concentrate Your Tweets. Tweeting random topics randomly is for the amateur.
  24. Play the Courteous Tweep. Acknowledge the juniors. Flatter the superiors. Spread influence all round.
  25. Re-Create Yourself. Your account doesn’t necessarily have to be you.
  26. Keep Your Tweets Clean. Insist that your retweets are not endorsements.
  27. Create A Cultlike Following. Make yourself out to be the Messiah in your chosen field.
  28. Always Tweet With Boldness. Never hesitate or prevaricate on an issue.
  29. Plan All The Way to the End. Overlordship—influence—is the target, or you may as well quit now.
  30. Make Your Twitter Influence Seem Effortless. Because you’re just naturally influential.
  31. Control The Options. Act. Never react—not even to trolls.
  32. Play To People’s Fantasies. Have an exotic bio—and post pictures to support it.
  33. Discover What Pleases Your Followers. And when you do, Favourite their tweets.
  34. Act Like An Overlord To Be Treated Like An Overlord. Nobody is going to actually crown you as one.
  35. Master The Art of Timing. Know when your followers are online and ready to engage.
  36. Disdain Those Who Refuse To Follow You. Ignoring their existence is the best revenge.
  37. Have A Compelling Avatar. Heighten your personality.
  38. Tweet As You Like, But Behave Like Others. Don’t be a snob; take part in the popular trends.
  39. Stir Up The Timeline to Catch New Followers. A slow news day is a good day to spread your influence.
  40. Do Not Buy Followers.  Well, buy followers—but if exposed, you can never regain your influence.
  41. Avoid The Pointless Argument. One argument too many, and you could lose your influence.
  42. Strike at the Overlord And the Followers Will Scatter. Go directly to the source of a trend.
  43. Work On The Hearts Of Others. Be strategically emotional with the wording of your hashtags.
  44. Disarm and Infuriate With The Mirror Effect. Use memes and parodies to diminish the influence of your rivals.
  45. Preach Reform, But Follow The Popular Opinion. If it’s trending, it’s trending. Don’t knock it.
  46. Never Appear Too Perfect. Allow your followers believe that their recommendations are welcome.
  47. Learn When To Stop. Arrogant overconfidence can reduce your influence. Don’t get personal.
  48. Assume Formlessness. Treat labels like libel. Do not get labelled.
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