Idlemindset

IDLEMINDSET | FARTS, TOILETS AND SOME VERY UNPALATABLE TOPICS

Posted on by 35 Comments

Its another cheery Monday, and therefore, a very fine time to throw punches at our cherished social norms. So, let’s start off with this insignificant news item from last Friday that still has many Nigerians mystified: the President paid a surprise visit to the Nigerian Police College in Ikeja, Lagos.

"So Jonathan went to a police college? I went to see the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan."

“So Jonathan went to a police college? Big deal. I’ve been to the war fronts in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

But, as the constant readers of this blog will tell you, we try not to take things at face value on this blog.  Accordingly, we are intrigued that the President’s sudden visit to a long forgotten institution has to be—for want of a more appropriate term–-coded. There shouldn’t be anything to hide, really. But the nature of the visit, the suddenness of its occurrence, and the general distrust we have for our leaders suggest that the President’s visit has more to it that meets the eye. In fact, it must have involved a very very pressing matter.

"Erm, is this the way to the toilets, gentlemen? I can't hold this anymore."

“Is this the way to the toilets, gentlemen? I can’t hold this in anymore.”

Of course, the President must be worried sick about the consistent welfare of our beloved police force. We all are.. Worried sick, that is. But, however innocuous his visit was, the fact is that the simplest governmental gesture cannot be trusted. So, we cynically listen to Abati’s praise of the event and draw our own conclusions:  maybe the President went for a private meeting, at best; or at worst, someone is angling to for a major police college contract.

Listen up, gentlemen, the only deal better than a major government contract is an uncompleted major government contract.

“Listen up gentlemen, the only deal better than a major government contract is an uncompleted major government contract.”

This reasoning itself is a consequence of our government’s attitude towards information feedback and appraisal. To translate that into blog English: the government doesn’t give two fucks about letting the people know what it’s up to.  Policies, activities, decisions: there’s always something, somewhere, left unaccounted and unsaid. Instead, we have plenty hidden agendas and public denials. Therefore it becomes hard to trust the government. Turn on the TV and listen to a public officer speak, and you just can’t be sure he is saying the honest truth.

Wait, did he introduce himself as the Minister for Agriculture or Minister for Telecommunications?

Wait, did he introduce himself as the Minister for Agriculture or Minister for Telecommunications?

But we have little time to waste on government talk today. It is generally agreed that our government is fucked-up. The real problem is this: a fucked-up government is merely a composition of fucked-up individuals who have emerged from a fucked-up society. The people whom we elect into government publicly feed us with the same kind of crap we like served to us, hot and steaming, in our own private lives.

Oh yes! Give us the lies, the damned lies and all the statistics.

We love the lies, the damned lies and all the statistics.

We are quite comfortable with deception—either in the name of government policy or spiritual authority. We lie to others and other people lie to us. Hereabouts, we are all public saints. Oh yeah. Especially when it comes to morals. We are all fine religious folks: we abhor masturbation, reject foul language, condemn abortions, ban porn, criminalise homosexuality, censor Big Brother Africa shower scenes,  strongly oppose nudity in the media, crucify pre-marital or extra-marital sex and lie through our teeth with a straight face.

Sex? Never heard of it.

“Sex? Never heard of it.”

We have all managed to consistently project the hypocrisy of being so good and nice and saintly and Christian, without vice or sin or blemish. We are so spiritual, the situation would be outright hilarious, if not for the social implications. Especially when the evidence around suggests we are not. And yet, we all know the truth: we love the nasties. So, here’s some unsolicited advice: instead of clinging stubbornly to a false spirituality, why not just embrace the reality of the sin?

"Ok fine, I admit it. I read Linda Ikeji's blog."

“Ok fine, I admit it. I read Linda Ikeji’s blog everyday. And I also enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey too.”

That ability to say: “Yes, I did it” takes some magnificent balls, but it can go a long way to making your life more peaceful. Cut out the crap and let the world know what you are, a character quite separate from what you hope to be. Tell the world boldly that you’re not above natural human desires and instincts, including drinking inappropriate amounts at the local nightclub and spilling it out all over the toilet seat.

"And yes, we fart at public functions!"

“And yes, by the grace of God, we are not above farting at public functions!”

And this is the moral for today: honesty is refreshing for the mind. You have no one to fear when you are an honest sinner, you have everyone to fear when you are a dishonest saint. And when we are done removing our individual self-deceptions, then we can then take a broom to our shitty government and clean it out properly.

35 thoughts on “IDLEMINDSET | FARTS, TOILETS AND SOME VERY UNPALATABLE TOPICS”

  1. Yeah! We all need to hear this and do it. Be honest. We’re not perfect, we do some really messed up stuff, lie about it and then we go around looking baffled and righteously angry when other people do their own stuff. Maybe if we admit the bad stuff we do, others can make provisions for our shortcomings and this my dear brothers and sisters, is how we fix this country.

    People talk about 2020 and 2025, I personally believe that with this blog, you are doing your own little part, and pls, keep flogging us with your write-ups, there is still a lot we need to learn as a people and there aren’t enough avenues where the truth is being pushed out like you are doing it here. And maybe Nigeria won’t be perfect or will be perfect by those times, the truth remains that we need to correct and fix our attitudes about this country.

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  11. Right on point Ayodele Sogunro, we blame the government like they were imported from the space and not a product of our society, Charity begins within, we have to cleanse our self before dusting the cobwebs off the government. Well done.

    This —-> “Honesty is refreshing for the mind. You have no one to fear when you are a honest sinner, you have everyone to fear when you are a dishonest saint.” will not be easily forgotten, i will teach my children’s children.

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  12. This is brilliant! I saw all the praise for it on twitter and I wondered what that was all about, and I can say its not quite enough. This is truth, and it takes courage to write truth. I’m happy I read this today. Yours truly is a honest sinner from now on. :D. Thanks for writing this.

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  14. This is simply great. My second encounter with this blog and I have no doubt that I’m an addict already.
    Wonderful job, Ayo. God bless you for “tickling” us with the bitter truth!

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  17. Spot on write up! Governance is a mirror of society and a microcosm of same! But I must say this, the poor is getting to the point where soon n very soon we shall start eating the rich!! So help us God!!

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  18. Pingback: OF DONKEYS, LACKEYS AND CIRCUMSTANCES | Random Flashes From An Idle Mind

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