Today’s topic in Prophecy 101: How To Prophesy and Not Get Caught.  But first, a little introduction on the Nigerian mentality–our favourite topic on this blog.

Ordinarily, there’s something enjoyable about watching someone stake his credibility on the uncertainty of the future.  If he effs up, God willing, we’ll be waiting to stone him with rotten eggs. But, the Nigerian style prophecies are a different matter. We treat prophecies as serious business, whether they ever get fulfilled or not. Every January, the media is flooded with prophecies ostensibly faxed straight from heaven.  Either in the form of a long list of possibilities or short snappy catchphrases to put on car bumpers: 2012-the year of great expectations; 2012, the year of supernatural wonders; 2012, the year of anything goes.

One would think the copywriters in heaven would have made up their mind about what exactly will happen in 2012. One would also think Nigeria would have transcended the bounds of human knowledge, as we escape violence, survive disasters, make money on  foreign exchange trading while the rest of the world stands helplessly, begging us for spare change.

Well, seeing as I’m not driving a Porsche, and since neither are you, something must be screwy about our prophetic system. (If you are driving a Porsche, wow, man! Get out of here and go catch some fun!) For the rest of us mortals, let’s get to the main lesson. We’ll take a look at some of the top Google result prophecies and figure out what the hell is not right with our prophets.

Our first call is at this site,  where Prophet Michael of the Celestial Church of Christ gives not just the general summary for the year 2012, but also detailed monthly prophecies.

This has got to be a July set in an alternate universe. Meanwhile, take a look at some of the prophetic entries for the year: “Foreign investors will come to negotiate unscrupulous deal.” Wow, how original!  “Riots, unrest and bombings at various places.” Wow, who could have seen that coming?  “Notorious leader of a gang will face the law“.

Here’s one you’ll like: “Danger looms at the President’s home.” Hell, yeah! “Mr. President’s home could shake. The Lord says it has already started brewing.” Wow, the Lord is really on Jonathan’s case this year! And to cap it off: “Change of government seen.” The Lord must be gunning hard for GEJ’s ass.

Meanwhile, a commenter also posted “I hope you and your group are praying because I saw the same thing last week…” Now, feel free to shiver.  As a bonus to Prophet Mike, God revealed the future of RCCG to our prophet here , without informing the RCCG Overseer himself, obviously because God wanted to give Pastor Adeboye a surprise New Year gift.

The prophet at the Seed of God, on the other hand, is more global in outlook, and less grammatically inclined. For instance, he warns against “universal plain crash” which has to mean either an international earthquake or an unprecedented rise in ocean levels.

Still on the global concerns, he prophesies that “David Cemeron, should be prayerful, else, he will not be back for second term in office.” On the assumption that this prophecy is for David Cameron and not David Cemeron (whoever that may be), I doubt the British PM would be worried about a second term when the British islands would definitely have disappeared with the eco-system distorting plain crash. As for our local politicians, it is prophesied that the crisis in Oyo state PDP is far from “been over“. I can imagine the dismay and agony this news mist have brought Oyo voters. “Oh Lord, no! Not another year of political party crisis! Help us, Lord!”

Of course, since God has taken a keen interest in partisan politics, you have a treasure like : “As revealed by the almighty God, the Igbo race should stop dreaming about ruling Nigeria come 2015.” That’s it, my Igbo friends, you read it. God “almighty God” has spoken. No Aso Rock for the Igbo in 2015. Then there are some almost annoying prophecies: “Flood will ravage Lagos.” “More rainfall in 2012.” “People of Ibadan should pray against fire outbreak.” At this point I just want to crawl to a corner and cry for shame.

My favourite prophetic site is by Rev Wildfire D-Favour. That name is so kickass you can win a fight simply by telling your opponent the name. I thought the prophecies were going to be equally badass. But despite my careful analysis, I couldn’t quite make out a definite prophecy–or lack of it. Clever idea, I tell you.

The rest of the prophecy is a painful merger between the book of Isaiah and primary school poetry. There are lines such as “Swords clash in battle, and blood flow” and other gems capable of inducing brain death.  If Boko Haram bombs could be called “swords clashing in battle”, maybe he has a point. As for the gentleman, he states: “I am not at liberty to show those details as I am still interceding before the Lord, asking Him for mercy, considering that a lot of the things I saw are already beginning to happen.” The problem is, I still can’t finger what exactly are these “lots of things” and I’m sure the Lord is beginning to get bored with Nigeria’s issues one way or another. He has more pressing matters in Somalia.