Quickly, here’s the scenario. A bunch of aliens intend to visit Earth–let’s say they want to admire sunsets from Earth perspective or they want to sample some burgers  or  get laid or for some other wacky alien notion too advanced for us to grasp.

Its obvious! They want to abduct Michael Jackson!

Of course, as they are aliens with an average IQ of one zillion, they are far too smart to understand why there is no single world leader whom they can introduce themselves to when they arrive on earth. Aliens almost always have a supreme leader; and they would naturally expect the same cratology (new word!) from humans. Accordingly, the first task of our Michael Jackson abducting aliens would be to determine who on earth is the Main Guy, The Grand Kahuna, The Great Panjandrum, The Big Swinging Dick.

Relax dude, it’s not you. Duh.

Well, seeing as Earth has no clear-cut system of deciding whose balls fit into those pants, the aliens have a short conference to discuss which of the available 7billion humans should wield the title of World Leader. Political leaders, elected or otherwise, are out of the question, because (i) they rarely influence anybody, (ii) they all have serious opposition, and (iii) even where the opposition is minimal, they are only tolerated (cue: at this point, the conference presentation zooms in on Nigeria).

“I can’t take this shit anymore” the man behind the president thought to himself.

To save billable hours, one of the aliens suggests Twitter as a criteria for deciding world leaders. You have followers, the followers come voluntarily,  can leave anytime and are actually influenced by the thoughts of the followed person. That’s Twitter 101, and if the concept of Twitter still doesn’t make sense to you, then maybe you should just close this page and go back to your good old prints.

Although, I can’t guarantee even those will make sense to you.

Back to Twitter. So who is the World Leader according to the blue bird? Ladies and Gentlemen, the Undisputed President of the World is still  Lady Gaga–who is followed by approximately 26,602,690 people worldwide.  Think of that number for a moment–that’s more individuals than most people will ever share a city with. A formidable standing army that can trample you  for dissenting with their views.

With a formidable military cap all set to command it at a tweet’s notice.

Coming closely after Lady I-Pretend-I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck is Justin Bieber,  the Twitter proclaimed Vice President of the World with a sobering 24,407,091 followers. Its hard to imagine that there are about 24million teenage girls out there who adore Bieber.

Now you know why you’ve always had the urge to slap him.

And where’s Barack Obama? Ranking 6th position behind Katy Perry, Rihanna and Britney Spears. And, as if to make up for this lapse of judgment, Obama’s ranking is quickly followed by Shakira, Taylor Swift, and Kim Kardashian (groan).

I warnedyou, dude, but noooo, you just had to go and get a twitter account. Now, look at where you are.

Our hypothetical aliens now have their world leaders and we can leave them alone for now. Democracy wins again. Lady Gaga rules the world and Justin Bieber is the heir apparent. If Twitter is any reflection of the trends in the real world, then there are a lot of dumb-as-shit people out there–and that’s not just because of their choice of music, but because they take that choice forward by indirectly electing these two musicians as the representatives of Earth’s mental direction. Entertainment is one thing, motivation is another. On the bright side, its hilarious that for inspiration, the world looks up to a girl-woman who  craves attention and a boy who is yet to learn how to deal with women. Meanwhile, the palace is rife with coup plots as Bieber followers try to unseat Lady Gaga. Its a crazy world.

Sssh. Executive Council meeting in progress.

As for me, in the Twitter scheme of things, I’m a lowly field labourer working without pay.